This Would Absolutely NEVER Happen in America
“ISTANBUL (Reuters) - Nine women tricked into thinking they were reality TV show contestants and lured into an Istanbul villa were rescued by Turkish military police after two months confinement, a police spokesman said Thursday.
Cameras in the villa filmed the women 24-hours a day, providing a live stream of images for Internet users who had paid to access the footage, the spokesman said.”
Let me sum the rest of this article up for you: no one was penetrated. At least there was no mention of penetration. Not even once. So this dude hatched this elaborate plan to “lure” nine women into an abandoned house that they couldn’t get out of, hooked it up with a bunch of cameras, and duped them all to stay there without contacting their families or friends, and… Oh yeah, that’s it. That’s all that asshole did.
Maybe I’m missing the point because I’ve never seen the show. Maybe it is implicit that female Big Brother contestants just smash vaginas on the regular so there was no need to get into the sweaty, slippery, lugubrious details. Maybe. But if not, I stand by my belief that television has truly rotted the minds of today’s Turkish youth. Grow up, Turkey.
**Update: Okay, so I guess this dude made money for it, which is great. My beef is the douchebags that paid money for this shit when there are about forty different incarnations of Big Brother swimming around on the ABC family of networks.
Obama and the Rest of the Nation Breath A Collective Sigh of Relief as the Madness Finally Ends
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, we can officially count me out of the short-lived “quit smoking” fiasco that nearly devastated the nation.
Official time without a cigarette: 29 hours, 5 minutes
The official time does not take into account the hair-laden, aids-infected (probably, I’m just venturing a guess) cigarette that I found on the floor on the steps of my apartment, nor does it take into account the parliament light that was bummed to me last night at the bar, because everyone knows that dirty cigarettes and free cigarettes don’t count. That’s why homeless people are among the healthiest on earth. And that’s why, when they ask me for change, I say, “Hey fuck you dickhead!” and then I start kicking the shit out of them. I’m just evening the playing field for the rest of us smokers.
And I know what you are probably going to say, assuming that you are a non-smoker. You are going to say that nicotine is nicotine no matter what. Well that’s just a load of retarded garbage. Retarbage. Because Lord knows that if I switch from Camel Lights to Skoal, I still quit Camel Lights and you can’t take that away from me. And if you switch from crack to straight nose candy, I’m gonna shake your hand and tell you that you are a good person. Because you are. And that’s how friendship works.
But if you don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t talk to me about quitting cigarettes. Don’t even say the word cigarette because inevitably you are going to say some retarbage about how it’s bad for you and cancer and emphysema and abortions and coal mining and I don’t really know because I tune you the fuck out. So shut it. The best people to talk about quitting smoking with are fellow smokers. Here is an example of the conversation that takes place:
“Hey, I’m quitting smoking.”
“Seriously dude? That is absolutely amazing. You are a wonderful and beautiful person and I would be honored for you to have sex with my wife and daughter. I can’t even believe that you are attempting that.”
“Well yeah, it’s going to be rough, but I think I have the motivation. Can I have a cigarette?”
“Yeah of course. Quitting smoking is impossible anyway and no one has ever done it ever ever never ever.”
“F’real man.”
Yup, that’s how it always goes down. And with that, I’ve completed my first post without mentioning jerking off, rape, or pooping. Not retarbage though, that's here for keeps.
-Greg Arious
South Africa Sets World Record for Being Behind the Times
In the super-important news today, Unlimited IT, a South African tech firm, proved yesterday that information was exchanged more quickly via pigeon than through the country’s leading internet service provider, Telkom:
“Local news agency SAPA reported the 11-month-old pigeon, Winston, took one hour and eight minutes to fly the 80 km (50 miles) from Unlimited IT's offices near Pietermaritzburg to the coastal city of Durban with a data card was strapped to his leg.
Including downloading, the transfer took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds -- the time it took for only four percent of the data to be transferred using a Telkom line.”
Seriously South Africa? Are you shitting me? You are on the verge of hosting the largest sporting event known to man, the 2010 World Cup, and you have a city full of dudes relying on 56k porn to jack it? Listen, I remember when I was “discovering (absolutely destroying)” myself (penis). I remember giving up jerking it to a full picture with boobs and a vagina and just knocking one out to a forehead and a tuft of hair. You know what happened to me? I had an extremely awkward next 15 years of trying to fuck girls in the forehead. Honestly, is there a raping competition that will be taking place in South Africa that I am unaware of? Because that’s what happens when there is no porn: a whole lotta rape. That’s what I did when I was a bright-eyed youngster. Forehead rape. That’s what happened with Sodom and Gomorra, and God smote the shit out of those pricks.
And don’t tell me that there are other ways to get your rocks off because everybody knows that girls hate sex, and hate men, and hate good music, and hate sports and everything that is good.
Wait, did I just turn gay?
-Greg Arious
The Internet: Death of Productivity?
I begin my decent into the blogging underground with a question we already know the answer to... Is the Internet the death of productivity?
For decades the office was symbolic of many things, "work" being numero uno. Slaves to the system, myself a new inductee, would march in formation down death's highway to a box building where they would devote countless hours to the dreams (and bulging pockets) of someone other than themselves.
But today, my friends, is a new day! We have equipped ourselves with a tool, comprised of many tools, which we have titled "The Internet". This tool has born millions of jobs, ideas, solutions and, in theory, has been a single source of mass productivity. However, in this new day and age, our generation has turned this productive tool into the most counterproductive "tool" known to man. Countless hours of company time is now spent not writing reports or useless memo's no one reads, but checking our Facebook pages, Blogs (that'd be us), sports scores, porno, and whatever else we kill time with during our "work" day.
So as I sit here at work, writing this silly blog post, I implore you to ponder this question... "Is the Internet the death of productivity?" I suppose I should get back to looking busy, I need my boss to think I'm working so I can do my ESPN Fantasy Football live draft in a couple hours.
BREAKING NEWS! the Rapture is upon us! REJOICE!
According to Josamar Flores Pereira, a former alcoholic and drug addict, the date 9/9/09 had special religious significance. After what I’m sure took him many years and countless algebraic attempts to decipher the code. This minister reversed the date’s numbers to read 6/6/06 or 666 for short.
Taking the next logical step he boarded a plane in Mexico with a can that he fashioned lights to and claimed it was a bomb. In today’s day in age no one wants to be bothered by religion, sometimes when the good word needs to be spoken one has to resort to major felony threats like the prophet Josamar.
In an interview conducted by CNN, Josamar’s wife speaks out.
Flores' wife, speaking with CNN by telephone from their home in the southern Mexican city of Oaxaca, said her husband had been looking for a way to get his message about God to the news media.
"He never wanted to hurt anyone," said Elisa Melgar, 38, the mother of their three sons and his wife of 18 years. "As his wife, I support him," she said, adding that her husband had not touched alcohol or drugs for the past 17 years. "He's a man who was transformed by the power of God." (via cnn.com)
Amen Elisa, Amen
(Ed. Please insert massive amounts of sarcasm throught this post, do not hijack planes. I'm not sure whats worse, feeling the need to add this statement or the people who very well could take this out of context)
Help me help you spend $
Its like popcorn at the movies, you can make like 4,000 bags of large popcorns for the amount that they charge for one. It’s absurd, and not only that they have the gall to charge over $10 to see the film. I’m not saying lets go back to 1936 and get to movies for a nickel like our grandparents had. I enjoy being able to discern the characters from the pixilation in the screen. But seriously it can’t be that expensive to keep that place going. I’m pretty sure the guy ripping tickets isn’t taking home a 6 figure a year salary.
Ok, back to the bar dilemma, and the talk about how expensive a movie costs got me thinking, bars charge covers. Fuckin’ A, not only do you have to pay ten dollars to get into a bar filled with a bunch of doods on roids and Affliction T’s you end up tipping a bar tender, usually a dollar, for every over priced drink. Furthermore the mix drinks are made with Captin Flimmigains gin or Poland Sering vodka which, for those of you who weren’t dirt bags in college, comes in plastic bottles for $10, and we pay fucking $8 for a shot with some sugary shit and a splash of soda. Well I for one see the scam and want in.
I’m going to need some funding to open my own bar, so please post you addresses in the comments and I will send you a form that you can fill out to support me in my quest to continue to rip people off while getting them somewhat buzzed on my watered down overpriced drinks.
Thank you for your time and support. It is greatly appreciated.
-Eli
As If They Couldn't Make Riding a Bicycle Any More Embarrasing
So I'm driving to work today, on a crowded busy boston street, and this is what I see coming down the road at me. Not only was the person a fully grown adult riding a bicycle, which is, in itself, somewhat shameful, but then I notice they are riding a type of bike I have never seen before: the reclined bicycle.
Steve Zissou’s sex life: Blog 1 Is it true if you don’t use it, you loose it?
Listen I think college, as much as it teaches it takes away. There is no other place on the face of the planet where an almost adult is able to get placed in the middle of a microcosm of other young adults all interested in the same thing…booze, Facebook, and sex. All of a sudden after 4 years (5 for the smart ones) the world rips you out of your little “fun bubble” as I like to call it, and makes you work 40 hours a week to pay for that new car, apartment, loan Ect.
You know that party you went to the other weekend where you pulled the line “Hey lets have some drinks in my dorm room?” Well that shit doesn’t work in real life.
Stay tuned for: Steve Zissou’s sex life: Blog 2 Losing what little game I had.
So You Think You Can Dance
So You Think You Can Dance started it's 6th season tonight and my love for it is twofold. First, I will watch any kind of televised competition you can possibly devise - sports games, singing competitions, anything. If there was ever a network exec with enough balls to pit the Gosselin kids against Caesar Milan's trained dogs in a variety show dance off.. I would watch that. It would probably be on abc family. Secondly, I oddly enjoy picking favorites (usually who I think is the best looking) and then randomly choosing one contestant to dislike so much it was as if they wronged me in another life. Usually these two will go head to head in the finale, where my favorite will inevitably lose and I will have to avoid all forms of media until the next morning when I have cooled down. But I never forget....you hear me Taylor Hicks? So it makes perfect sense that was I jazzed out of my mind when SYTYCD came back on.
Salutations from Greg Arious
When my good friend Steve Zissou asked me to contribute to his blog, I jumped at the chance.
“Abso-fucking-lutely, you cock-loving sonofabitch. I’ll have something sent to you in a matter of hours.”
So it’s been about a week and a half and I’ve written jack shit. Sure, I work 40 hours a week. Sure, I start drinking on Friday on my way home from work and don’t stop until Monday on my way in, but neither is reason enough to prevent me from writing some goddamn bullshit on a website that no one will read. Honestly, do you realize how atrociously easy it is to write a blog? No talent, no money expenditures, barely any effort at all. And when I’m actually at work and sober, I probably devote myself to working for approximately 30 minutes out of every day. That means that I have about 7 and a half hours to write something. Anything. And I also take a full hour for lunch because fuck it.
You know what the biggest kick in the sack is? The fact that nearly all of those 7 and a half hours consist of me reading blogs. I don’t even like blogs. I think they’re stupid and I think you are stupid for reading them. You know why you and I read blogs? Because they are easy to understand, and they are short, and they have a lot of dick and vagina jokes, and there are titties basically everywhere. I used to love reading Will Leitch on Deadspin. Now he writes for some legitimate news source out of New York and I can’t make it through one full article without zoning out and planning what porn I’m going to rub one out to that night. I’m not even sure that he’s changed his writing style at all, but when I see old English font at the top of the page I shit myself at the thought of perhaps being briefly confused and having to figure something out. Then I pass out for ten minutes. Then I get a cup of coffee. I don’t really know what happens after that because I black out and wake up reading the final paragraph of his article. Don’t get me wrong, the guy is a great writer and is probably one of the top two or three bloggers in the blogspherasdktjh…zzzzzz
The point is that I’m lazy as shit and I don’t have time for anything. At all. I can sleep, I can eat if you cut it up for me and airplane that shit into my mouth, but that’s pretty much it. I also like taking dumps. There was a brief three month period, however, after five years of moderately heavy drug use and drinking, before my most recent three month period of retarded monkey garbage fun, that I was actually getting shit done. I went to the gym six days a week. I didn’t smoke anything. Not even crack. I ate egg whites and grass. I got laid on a regular basis.
But I am fully back to being a fucking dickhead. You know how I know that I’m back? Because yesterday, in an attempt to quit cigarettes, I bought a pack of Camel Lights after work at 5:30 and smoked 18 straight butts in between 10 beers. Because I was trying to quit. That was my fucking plan- smoke cigarettes until you don’t like them anymore. I just got the memo that cigarettes are addictive and that methodology is actually counter-productive, so I feel a bit foolish now. That is the height of laziness; that is the height of retarded monkey garbage. That’s like going to a Chinese buffet stoned and in a wheelchair in an attempt to train for a fucking road race. Now I need to take my before-lunch nap so I don’t have any time tie all this shit together with some conclusive mission statement. So yeah, I’m going to write some shit for this blog blahblah blah fuck you go to hell.
-Greg Arious
Beach Front Property, Just In Time for Retirement.
Arctic Temperatures have reached record highs according some scientists. These scientists use logic and data to come to conclusions or so I’m told. A recent study by people who actually chose a carrier path that had them stationed in Antarctica reveals: The research team's temperature analysis showed that summer temperatures in the Arctic, in step with the reduced energy from the Sun (related to an approximately 21,000-year cyclical wobble in Earth's tilt relative to the Sun), cooled at an average rate of about 0.2 degrees Celsius per thousand years….
By my calculations this means I’ll have beach front property by the time I’m in my early 40’s. If it weren’t for this damn “Go Green” campaign I could have easily knocked off 3-4 years. Whatever, gives me some time to save for the Boston Whaler right?
I'm not going to let this "Go Green" campaign put off my god given right of ocean front property. DAMN IT, I’m an American, and if I can’t buy beach front property then I’ll make beach front property. Now if you excuse me, I’m off to try to increase my carbon footprint by burning tires and Batteries in my back yard.
40 hours... Really?
Does anyone else think that the whole American society has it all wrong? I'm betting the answer to that question is yes, but I'm not talking about the silly political agenda's of this country or it's views on stem cell research or same sex marriage. I'm talking about the American work week.
Honestly how many people out there actually work the full 40 hour week? I'm not saying you don't work hard but subtract the time you take reading blogs like this or surfing the web for a hot girl or sports score, and now what are we talking maybe 35 hours a week. Oh, thats too much you say, well thats 5 hours in five days and you don't think that the 5 minutes you spend surfing every 30 minutes adds up. Well it does. I'm just using my own life as an example. Now we have that 5 hours gone, lets account for all the extra long bathroom breaks. We all know it doesn't take 15 minutes to poop unless there's a blockage, but I sure as shit take 15 in the bathroom and read the news paper or what ever garbage is left in there. Anything to avoid sitting at the desk.
Ok, well now were down to around 33 hours so lets think this through. We can work a 9 - 5 for 5 days a week or we can just make every weekend a 3 day weekend. There is a catch tho we would actually have to work at work. Like all day work at work. BUT I for one love 3 days weekends so much in fact I spent most of my day today thinking about how to justify having a 3 day weekend every weekend. Well there goes those 8 hours....
-Eli
Swine flu and you!!!
So now that we know that swine flu is nothing more than yet another version of the regular influenza virus, although novel, it’s now nothing more than an inconvenience. The worst thing about the winter isn’t the weather, it’s getting sick. Even worse than getting sick is that day before you are in the midst of feeling like hell, when you know deep down that your getting sick but you keep telling yourself that its probably something like allergies…yea allergies…in the winter.The government released a statement that there could be as many as 40 million+ people who come down with novel H1N1. That’s not including the other more common Flu viruses circulating. All of which could be greatly reduced if we started enacting some sort of “Cause and Effect Laws”.
I’ll explain this in a moment, but let me first give you some of the most common excuses why not to get a flu shot.
1. There is a chance you could get sick from it right?
2. I don’t like needles!
3. It doesn’t work anyway, one year I got the shot and still got sick.
4. My immune system is strong enough without the shot; it’s just for old people.
So Back to my “Cause and Effect law idea”. We should institute mandatory flu shots for everyone. Are you required to take it if you don’t want…no, but when you get sick, and need medical attention, and they check if you recieved one and it says "you were to scared of needles"…well you can GFY. Because I’m sick of getting sick from dumb people.
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