South Africa Sets World Record for Being Behind the Times

In the super-important news today, Unlimited IT, a South African tech firm, proved yesterday that information was exchanged more quickly via pigeon than through the country’s leading internet service provider, Telkom:

“Local news agency SAPA reported the 11-month-old pigeon, Winston, took one hour and eight minutes to fly the 80 km (50 miles) from Unlimited IT's offices near Pietermaritzburg to the coastal city of Durban with a data card was strapped to his leg.

Including downloading, the transfer took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds -- the time it took for only four percent of the data to be transferred using a Telkom line.”

Seriously South Africa? Are you shitting me? You are on the verge of hosting the largest sporting event known to man, the 2010 World Cup, and you have a city full of dudes relying on 56k porn to jack it? Listen, I remember when I was “discovering (absolutely destroying)” myself (penis). I remember giving up jerking it to a full picture with boobs and a vagina and just knocking one out to a forehead and a tuft of hair. You know what happened to me? I had an extremely awkward next 15 years of trying to fuck girls in the forehead. Honestly, is there a raping competition that will be taking place in South Africa that I am unaware of? Because that’s what happens when there is no porn: a whole lotta rape. That’s what I did when I was a bright-eyed youngster. Forehead rape. That’s what happened with Sodom and Gomorra, and God smote the shit out of those pricks.

And don’t tell me that there are other ways to get your rocks off because everybody knows that girls hate sex, and hate men, and hate good music, and hate sports and everything that is good.

Wait, did I just turn gay?

-Greg Arious