Obama and the Rest of the Nation Breath A Collective Sigh of Relief as the Madness Finally Ends

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, we can officially count me out of the short-lived “quit smoking” fiasco that nearly devastated the nation.

Official time without a cigarette: 29 hours, 5 minutes

The official time does not take into account the hair-laden, aids-infected (probably, I’m just venturing a guess) cigarette that I found on the floor on the steps of my apartment, nor does it take into account the parliament light that was bummed to me last night at the bar, because everyone knows that dirty cigarettes and free cigarettes don’t count. That’s why homeless people are among the healthiest on earth. And that’s why, when they ask me for change, I say, “Hey fuck you dickhead!” and then I start kicking the shit out of them. I’m just evening the playing field for the rest of us smokers.

And I know what you are probably going to say, assuming that you are a non-smoker. You are going to say that nicotine is nicotine no matter what. Well that’s just a load of retarded garbage. Retarbage. Because Lord knows that if I switch from Camel Lights to Skoal, I still quit Camel Lights and you can’t take that away from me. And if you switch from crack to straight nose candy, I’m gonna shake your hand and tell you that you are a good person. Because you are. And that’s how friendship works.

But if you don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t talk to me about quitting cigarettes. Don’t even say the word cigarette because inevitably you are going to say some retarbage about how it’s bad for you and cancer and emphysema and abortions and coal mining and I don’t really know because I tune you the fuck out. So shut it. The best people to talk about quitting smoking with are fellow smokers. Here is an example of the conversation that takes place:

“Hey, I’m quitting smoking.”

“Seriously dude? That is absolutely amazing. You are a wonderful and beautiful person and I would be honored for you to have sex with my wife and daughter. I can’t even believe that you are attempting that.”

“Well yeah, it’s going to be rough, but I think I have the motivation. Can I have a cigarette?”

“Yeah of course. Quitting smoking is impossible anyway and no one has ever done it ever ever never ever.”

“F’real man.”

Yup, that’s how it always goes down. And with that, I’ve completed my first post without mentioning jerking off, rape, or pooping. Not retarbage though, that's here for keeps.

-Greg Arious