Salutations from Greg Arious

When my good friend Steve Zissou asked me to contribute to his blog, I jumped at the chance.

“Abso-fucking-lutely, you cock-loving sonofabitch. I’ll have something sent to you in a matter of hours.”

So it’s been about a week and a half and I’ve written jack shit. Sure, I work 40 hours a week. Sure, I start drinking on Friday on my way home from work and don’t stop until Monday on my way in, but neither is reason enough to prevent me from writing some goddamn bullshit on a website that no one will read. Honestly, do you realize how atrociously easy it is to write a blog? No talent, no money expenditures, barely any effort at all. And when I’m actually at work and sober, I probably devote myself to working for approximately 30 minutes out of every day. That means that I have about 7 and a half hours to write something. Anything. And I also take a full hour for lunch because fuck it.

You know what the biggest kick in the sack is? The fact that nearly all of those 7 and a half hours consist of me reading blogs. I don’t even like blogs. I think they’re stupid and I think you are stupid for reading them. You know why you and I read blogs? Because they are easy to understand, and they are short, and they have a lot of dick and vagina jokes, and there are titties basically everywhere. I used to love reading Will Leitch on Deadspin. Now he writes for some legitimate news source out of New York and I can’t make it through one full article without zoning out and planning what porn I’m going to rub one out to that night. I’m not even sure that he’s changed his writing style at all, but when I see old English font at the top of the page I shit myself at the thought of perhaps being briefly confused and having to figure something out. Then I pass out for ten minutes. Then I get a cup of coffee. I don’t really know what happens after that because I black out and wake up reading the final paragraph of his article. Don’t get me wrong, the guy is a great writer and is probably one of the top two or three bloggers in the blogspherasdktjh…zzzzzz

The point is that I’m lazy as shit and I don’t have time for anything. At all. I can sleep, I can eat if you cut it up for me and airplane that shit into my mouth, but that’s pretty much it. I also like taking dumps. There was a brief three month period, however, after five years of moderately heavy drug use and drinking, before my most recent three month period of retarded monkey garbage fun, that I was actually getting shit done. I went to the gym six days a week. I didn’t smoke anything. Not even crack. I ate egg whites and grass. I got laid on a regular basis.

But I am fully back to being a fucking dickhead. You know how I know that I’m back? Because yesterday, in an attempt to quit cigarettes, I bought a pack of Camel Lights after work at 5:30 and smoked 18 straight butts in between 10 beers. Because I was trying to quit. That was my fucking plan- smoke cigarettes until you don’t like them anymore. I just got the memo that cigarettes are addictive and that methodology is actually counter-productive, so I feel a bit foolish now. That is the height of laziness; that is the height of retarded monkey garbage. That’s like going to a Chinese buffet stoned and in a wheelchair in an attempt to train for a fucking road race. Now I need to take my before-lunch nap so I don’t have any time tie all this shit together with some conclusive mission statement. So yeah, I’m going to write some shit for this blog blahblah blah fuck you go to hell.

-Greg Arious